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helt utan ordning....
|Two peanuts walk into a
bar One was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says "I've just come in my pants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and
tried to think of a really good wish.
After God had created Adam, he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
|To all Staff
As our company has to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are needed to commit suicide. This will substantially reduce our salary bill. Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on the roof of the offices on alternate Fridays. Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the highest scorer will receive greatly enhanced Death In Service benefits. Participating staff are asked to avoid landing on Company Cars as this will cost more money than is saved, which would be counter-productive and could cause injury to non-participating spectators. Non-participants are therefore asked to be vigilant and to keep glancing skywards on these days of action. Bodies will be disposed of in waste skips in the car park and staffs are therefore asked to ensure they keep moving on these days to avoid being inadvertently mistaken for successful participants.
Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until reaching the top floor, after which it will be impossible for the attending Occupational Health and Safety representative to get into a "Catching Position".
The Company hopes to obtain a set reduction in staff through this scheme and it must therefore be considered one of our most worthwhile projects to date.
Should the scheme be over-subscribed, a waiting list will be introduced. To assist the cleaners, it would be appreciated if all participants could take with them onto the roof a large black plastic bag (available from the stationery room). If they could climb into the bag just prior to the jump, this will certainly ease congestion at ground level. Please note: any participant choosing to jump outside normal working hours will not be paid overtime.
|Stress relief is here! Read on.....
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall
really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I
didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her
car began to move and she started to very slowly back out
of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty
of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For awhile things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
laws or "Why nothing
in Research and Development happens the way it
Prod engg. 29 (1958) : 21 April, p 32-33 (Sbl)
Mr Finagle har ägnat ett helt
liv åt forskningsverksamhet och komprimerat sitt vetande
i vissa allmängiltiga lagar. Kännedom om dessa Mr
Finagles lagar torde vara synnerligen värdefulla för
alla som sysslar med experimentverksamhet.
Så några enkla råd:
rules of grammar
Theory of Intelligence
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
|An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."|
the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus"? Well, here's a prime
example offered by an English professor at Southern
Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing,
assignment for Wednesday:
Gary: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
Rebecca: He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Gary: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
Rebecca: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Gary: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
|Is there a
Santa Claus ?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990), I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly, BUT there are 300'000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world, BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslims, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of
Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time
zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each
Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump
down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into
the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that
each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false
but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a
total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to
what most of us have to do at least once every 31 hours,
plus feeding and etc.
4) The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets noting more than a medium-sized LEGO set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321'300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214'200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353'430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353'000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17'500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4'315'015 pounds of force.
|Report of the stock exchange technical advisory
committee on the telephone as an investment (1877).
1) The inventor Mr. A.G. Bell has given the apparatus the name "Telephone". He predicts an immense future for it as a means of person to person vocal communication. He is of the opinion that the apparatus could be placed in every home and in every office.
2) In this context we note that Mr. Bell is a teacher of elocution engaged in the education of the deaf and dumb. He appears to have no direct experience of any form of electrical or non-electrical means of communication. Nevertheless he professes to have discovered an instrument of enormous significance, one that has been overlooked by the many thousands of researchers who have specialized in this area for years.
3) Mr. Bell's proposal that the instrument be installed in every home and in every office (and that is the only way it would be of any use) is illusory when one considers the enormous expense involved in installing the necessary wires and cables. The exchange, alone, would require an impossible investment in land and buildings, not to mention the electrical installation.
4) Mr. Bell is of the opinion that his invention can be used by the general public without the intervention of experienced operators. Every expert in telegraphy will immediately see the fallacy of this. The operation of technical means of communication simply cannot be left in the hands of the lay public. For example, in every house with children the apparatus would be broken and be subject to every imaginable form of abuse. Furthermore, whenever a call is made the subscriber has to state the number required to the operator. There is not a member of this committee who would stand in the shoes of such an operator, who would inescapably be faced with illiterates of unintelligible speech, who stutter, lisp, are befuddled or are even drunk.
5) Every telegram is an immediate written copy of the transmitted message. The apparatus of Mr. Bell relies on the human voice, which cannot be recorded; in consequence, there is no copy of what has been said or agreed. We leave it to the men of business to judge as to whether they would be prepared to do business via such a means of communication.
6) Mr. Bell is confident that every subscriber would be prepared to pay for the installation of the apparatus in their dwelling and would, furthermore, be willing to pay for every call made with a minimum monthly charge if no calls were made. We consider it most unlikely that many people would bind themselves to any such terms. In any case, there are today telegraph offices open day and night which extend their services to every quarter of the town and to the smallest village. And there one need only pay for the message actually sent, and then in accordance with its actual length.
7) Bearing in mind all these considerations, the committee must advise against any form of investment in Mr. Bell's project. We do not doubt that this apparatus will find application under certain conditions, for example, between the bridge and the engine room of a ship. But of a development of the scale envisaged by Mr. Bell we see not the slightest chance.
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed
the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now implemented
all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning child processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, during installation Wife 1.0 modifies autoexec.bat such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PoolDrool 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system, crashing it when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 59.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
I decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.4. Even here, however, I found problems there too. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.4 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before completing the uninstall. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system, preferably your lap top. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
If operating systems were airlines
DOS AIR: passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. Then grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...
MAC AIRWAYS: the cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you donÝt want to know, donÝt need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
WINDOWS AIRLINES: the terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 SKYWAYS: the terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than windows airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
FLY WINDOWS NT: Passengers carry thir seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
UNIX EXPRESS: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, But ALL of them believe they arrived.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other option.
As a part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up any konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, be vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no clue what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he
spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat,
and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed
up to him. In disbelief, he asked her:
He was confused. "Then how did you get the
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the
boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly
fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman
tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could
only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom" No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he mused. "What next"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing
nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down newt to
There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you on paper by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the beach." Once done the "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of Beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry
In response to Bill's comments, General
Motors issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side.
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, j:r: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING that you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "what is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year and do any thing that you want. Why want you kiss me?"
This is a reproduction of a letter written to an insurance company as part of an ongoing correspondence regarding a workers compensation insurance claim. The names of the injured party, his employer and the insurance company have been omitted for obvious reasons. Please read on for a good laugh.
In block #3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of the accident. In your letter you said that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details should be sufficient.
I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 3 story building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 300 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the 3rd floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope while holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of bricks.
You will note in block #2 of the accident report form that I stated I weighed 165 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and did not let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.
Slowed down only slightly by the barrel I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, I retained conciseness and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain and injuries.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel broke out. Devoid of the weight of the bricks the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrate were cracked.
I'm sorry to report however as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand or move, I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down and broke both of my legs.
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle. I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend says, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogg's Frosted Flakes back in the box."
What if people
bought cars like they buy computers
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how
can I help you?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how
can I help you?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how
can I help you?"
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how
can I help you?"
A successful and basically honest businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Having sex when you're old
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
I thought that this fruitcake recipe is appropriate for the season, even if you don't like fruitcake:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
ENJOY!!! >^,,^< :-) >^,,^< :-) >^,,^< :-) >^,,^<
Nappy Yew Hear!
Another blond joke
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
Please forward me to all people in your address book, then remove all files from your hard drive, and finally, forget that I have ever been around!
Thank's in advance...
|CORPORATE LESSON # 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $ 800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised."Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!